My wife left me because I’m insecure

“Stand about 40 feet away
from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to
30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response,’’ the doctor told a husband who was afraid his wife was losing her sense of hearing.”
That evening, he stood 40ft. away and asks his wife, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No response.
He moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “What’s for dinner?’’
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room and asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away: “Honey, what’s for dinner?’’
No response.
So he walks right up behind her. “What’s for dinner?’’
“For the fifth time, chicken!’’••••••••••
“Son, you’re getting to be a man now and you ought to take life more seriously. Just think, if I died all of a sudden, where would you be?”
“I’d be right here, dad. The better question is, where would YOU be?”
••••••••••
The frog hopped into the princesses lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”
That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.
••••••••••
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is extremely big and heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
••••••••••
My dentist was named Dentist Of The Year. He didn’t get a trophy, they just gave him a little plaque.
••••••••••
Customer: Waiter, I’m in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long?
Waiter: No sir, round.
••••••••••
My wife left me because I’m insecure. No wait, she’s back, she just went to get coffee.
••••••••••
I told my cat that I’m going to teach him to speak English.
He looked at me and said, “Me, How?”
••••••••••
I was on a date with this really great lady. Well it wasn’t really a date-date, more like we ate dinner and saw a movie together.
Then the plane landed.
••••••••••
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
••••••••••
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years just getting over the hill.
••••••••••
We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
••••••••••
A few more of Jeff Foxworthy’s countless and classic “You know you’re a redneck when Jokes?”
• You’re in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
• You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
• You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
• You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
• You have a rag for a gas cap.
• Your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does.
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• You can spit without opening your mouth.
• You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it in jail.
• You never wear a motorcycle helmet, even though you’ve already bashed your head twice.
• Your lifetime goal is to own an illegal fireworks stand.
• You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
• You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
• The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Walmart.
• Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
• You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
• You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
• Your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home.
• A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.
• You’ve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher (or scrubber).
• You’ve asked the preacher “How’s it hangin?”
• You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
• You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
• Somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
• You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
• You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
• Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
• You burn your yard rather that mow it.
• You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
• You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it,
• You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
• You come back from the dump with more than you went with.
• You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
• Your grandmother has “Ammo” on her Christmas List.

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