Daughter: ” I don’t like the boy you found for me… his teeth are not in order and he looks ugly when he smiles.”
Mother: “Don’t worry about that. He will not be smiling after he marries you.”
A bald man had a real hang-up about his lack of hair. He had tried all types of treatment, but without success. Then one day he passed a barber’s shop with a sign in the window that read: “Bald Men. Your Problems Solved Instantly. You Too Can Have a Head of Hair Like Mine For Five Hundred Dollars.”
And beneath the sign was a photo of the barber with his flowing mane of hair. So the bald man went into the shop and asked the bartender, “Can you guarantee that for $500 my hair will instantly look like yours?”
“Certainly,” said the barber. “It will take no more than a few seconds for us to look exactly alike.”
“Okay then,” said the bald man, handing over the money. “Let’s go for it.”
The barber took the money and shaved his own hair off.
“Look at this mess!” roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut.
“It’s just as you ordered it, sir,” the waitress replied meekly.
“What do you mean?” barked the customer.
“You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and step on it.”
What does the world’s top dentist get?
A little plaque.
A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn’t comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.
The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband’s feet.
“Are you hurt?” he asked.
“Of course I’m hurt!” she replied. “Three times around and you didn’t wave once.
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night and a few more on weekends, I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals to one pound of weight per week.
Therefore, in the last three and a half years, I have had a chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds. I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about three months ago.
I owe my life to chocolate!
“Did you give the prisoner the third degree?” the police captain asked the detective.
“Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good,” nodded the other. “Asked him every question and made every threat we could think of.”
“And did you get a confession?” asked the sergeant.
“Not exactly,” explained the officer. “All he’d say was, ‘Yes dear’ and he’d doze off.”
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”
The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
“Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
Billy decided it was time to buy a new house, so he decided to sell his old house and put the matter in a real estate agent’s hands.
The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Bill read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Does my house have everything your ad says it does?”
The agent said, “It certainly does. Why do you ask?”
Bill replied, “Cancel the sale. It’s exactly what I’m looking for!”
A wife told her husband that he put football before their marriage.
“That’s not true,” he said. “After all, this is our fourth season together.”
Q: Why do bicycles fall over?
A: Because they’re two-tired!
Teacher: “You are the only one in the entire class who makes so many mistakes in the homework assignment.”
Student: “That is not true, I am not the only one. My parents are involved in this as well!”
A girl walked into a bar and said to the barman, “Bud light please.”
He said, “Are you 18?”
She said, “No.”
He said, “I can’t serve you then.”
As I walked out I thought to myself, “This is the fourth bar I have been in today. What does a 22 year old have to do to get a beer around here?”