Why does it rain?
• Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
• Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
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My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle.
If he thinks thats bad, I’m missing 4999 pieces.
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She: “Honey, I don’t like you with the new glasses on.”
He: “But sweetheart, I don’t wear any glasses.”
She: “True, but I do.”
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Woman: “You know, you look totally like my third husband!”
Man: “Really, how many times have you been married?”
Woman: “Twice.”
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What do you call four monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime-mates.
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As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
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Did you know Teslas don’t have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
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• Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
• Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
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Son: “Dad, guess what? I’ve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who’s been married for 30 years.”
Father: “Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you’ll get a speaking part.”
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A ventriloquist went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.
The agent said, “There’s no call for ventriloquists, but if you were a psychic I could get you plenty of work.”
So this ventriloquist went home and hung outside his door a psychic sign.
An hour later a woman knocks on the door. “I want to talk to m sy deceased husband. How much will it cost?”
The ventriloquist says, “If you talk to him, $50. If he talks to you, $100. If you both talk to each other while I’m drinking coffee, that’s $200.”
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Son: “Why does it rain, dad?”
Father: “To make the flowers grow and the grass and the trees.”
Son: “So why does it rain on the sidewalk?”
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My neighbor, a tailor, has a new job. I asked him how much he enjoyed it.
“It’s Sew-Sew,” he said.
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Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. “Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody. “But how much did this really cost?”
“All of it.”
“I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
“The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
“$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”
“Two and a half carats.”
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A cheetah and a lion are racing.
The cheetah wins.
The lion says, “You a cheetah!”
The cheetah replies, “Nah, you a lion!”
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Told my wife I was going to start smoking pot. She said if I did she was going to leave me.
That’s proof that it gets rid of aches and pains!
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A man waiting for a bus held his hands about four inches apart. He got on the bus, and when the driver asked for his fare, the man told him to take the money out of his coat pocket. The driver did as he said and drove on.
The man walked to the rear of the bus and sat down, still holding his hands in the same position. A woman passenger turned to him and asked, “Excuse me sir, are you alright?”
“Yes I am, thank you,” he replied.
“Then why are you holding your hands like that?”
“Because I’m on my way to a hardware store and I need a piece of pipe this long.”
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Sergeant: “Private, the enemy soldiers are hiding in the woods. I want you to go in there and flush them out for us.”
Private: “Yes, sir! But if you see a bunch of guys running out the woods, don’t shoot the one in front, sir!”
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• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? ?
• Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”?
• Where’s that extra penny going? Taxes?