A college coach had recruited a top talent, but the player couldn’t pass the school’s entrance exam. Needing the recruit badly, the coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test orally. The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated in his office.
“Okay,” the dean said. “What is seven times seven?”
The recruit mulled it over for a moment, then said, “I think it’s 49.”
Suddenly the coach leapt to his feet. “Please, Dean,” he begged, “give him another chance!”
After sitting down, Jupiter says, “I’m the biggest planet, give me the biggest beer you have.”
Saturn says, “I’m the best looking planet, give me the fanciest drink you have.”
Pluto says, “I know I’m not a planet, but give me a shot!
Why will everyone be seeing more clearly next year?
Cause it will be 2020!
If a gang of robbers dove into a swimming pool would that cause a crime wave?
What happened when two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident?
They were worried about the four casts.
My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”
“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”
Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Sid offers Barney, “Let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.” Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game.
On the final hole, Barney is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough.
“Help me find my ball, you look over there,” he says to Sid.
After five minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?”
“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”
“And a liar, too!” Sid says with amazement. “I’ve been standing on your golf ball for the last five minutes!”
How did the girl break up with tractor salesman? She sent him a John Deere letter.
“My uncle tried to make a new kind of car. He took the wheels from a Cadillac, the radiator from a Lexus, and tires from a Ford,” said Tom.
“What did he get?” asked Bill.
“Two years,” said Tom.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?”
Watson said, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”
Watson: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes: “Somebody stole our tent.”
Woman: Do you love me?
Man: Yes, dear.
Woman: Would you die for me?
Man: No… mine is an undying love.
What flavors of ice cream do you have?” inquired the customer.
“Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate,” answered the waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, “Do you have laryngitis?”
“No,” replied the waitress, “just vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate.”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £1.50. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £1.75. A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean!
Last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, “Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?”
I replied, “You really want to know?”
Then I dropped out of the race.
After his marriage broke up, my friend became very philosophical. “I guess it was in our genes,” he sighed.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Her sign is the one for earth. Mine is the one for water. Together we made mud.”