A handyman showed up at the Pearly Gates

Two Snowbirds from Michigan are sitting at Papa Rocco’s, drinking beer and laughing. Every few seconds they yell “52!”
Finally, bartender Dusty comes over and says, “Guys, you’ve got to keep it down over here. People are complaining!”
“Oh, sorry, dude, we’re celebrating because we just finished this really hard puzzle and all it took was 52 days!”
Dusty, embarrassed, says, “That’s not really very good.”
“Are you kidding?” says the other Snowbird. “The box said 3–5 years!”
••••••••••
A man goes to the Chicago Bears ticket office and inquires about purchasing playoff tickets. The ticket teller replies that there weren’t any tickets because the Bears did not make it to the playoffs.
This goes on for an entire week.
Finally the ticket teller says, “I’ve told you all week that there are no tickets to sell because the Bears did not make the play-offs.’’
The man replies, “I know. I am a Green Bay Packer fan, I come here every day just to hear you say that!”
••••••••••
A man went to his lawyer and stated, “I would like to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.”
The lawyer said, “No problem, leave it all to me.”
The man said, “Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I’d like to leave a little to my children, too!”
••••••••••
Counterfeiter: “Could you give me change for a $15 bill?
Store Clerk: “Well, yes. I can give you 5 Threes, 2 Fours and a Seven, or a Three and a Twelve.”
••••••••••
Mick Jagger’s son Patty walks into the bank manager’s office and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says, “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
••••••••••
One beautiful Sunday morning, the pastor decided to take the day off, and go play golf, so he called in sick, and headed off to the course.
He had a wonderful round of golf, topped off with a hole in one.
Gabriel and God had been watching, and Gabriel sputtered to God, “How could you reward him for skipping out with such a prize?”
“Who is he gonna tell?” replied God.
••••••••••
A social worker from Ohio, who was recently transferred to the mountains of North Georgia, was on the first tour of his new territory when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
“Anybody home?” he asked. “Yep,” came a kid’s voice through the door.gbgg
“Is your father there?” asked the social worker.
“Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in,” said the kid.
“Well, is your mother there?” persisted the social worker.
“‘Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here,” said the kid.
“But what,” protested the social worker, “are you never together as a family?”
”Sure, but not here,” said the kid through the door. “This is the outhouse.”
••••••••••
I was laying on the sofa this weekend and my wife asked what I was doing. I said, “Nothing.”
She said, “You did that yesterday!”
I said, “Yeah, I know. I wasn’t finished.”
••••••••••
A handyman showed up at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looked in the book, and said, “Your name’s not here. Please take the downward stairs.”
Now in hell, the handyman said to the devil, “Wow! It’s hot down here.” The devil said that was the idea. The handyman told the devil of his skill with tools. He could put in an air conditioner, an ice machine, even a pool. The devil said that would be great, and put the handyman to work.
Now sitting by the pool, sipping umbrella drinks, and enjoying the cool air, everyone in hell stopped crying and screaming. Saint Peter at the top of the stairs wondered what was up, and called the devil on the “hot” line. “Oh it’s that handyman. He’s put in a pool, AC, an ice machine, we’re enjoying ourselves down here.
Saint Peter said they were missing the entire point of hell. They were supposed to be in torment. He told the devil to send the handyman back upstairs or he would file a lawsuit.”
The devil said, “Come on! You know I get all the lawyers!”