For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism

What do you call a wreath made of $100 bills?
Aretha Franklins.
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A guy is in for a job interview, and the interviewer asks him “What would you consider to be your biggest weakness?”
The guy replies “Honesty. I’m honest with everyone; I don’t know how to be anything other than completely honest with every single person I meet.”
The interviewer says “I don’t really see how honesty could be considered a weakness? In fact, I think honesty is a great strength!”
To which the guy replies “I don’t really give a hoot what you think.”
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A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
“This is great! Will I meet her at a party?” he croaks.
“No,” says the psychic, “in biology class.”
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People who say I’m pretentious need to walk a mile in my Louis Vuitton’s.
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Two brothers wake up one morning and decided they were mature and needed to show it. So they decided to cuss in front of their parents.
They go downstairs for breakfast and mom asks the younger what he would like.
“I guess I’ll have some damn Toasties,” he says.
Mom whales into him and then grounds him for a week.
She then turns to the older son and says, “Now what do you want smarty?”
“Well I damn sure don’t want any Toasties,” he replies.
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“Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere.”
“Well it got me to the sarcasm world championships in Mexico ‘98.”
“Really?”
“No.”
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• To err is human. To blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
• I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.
• I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling her eyes and talking back to me right now.
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Husband: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.’’
Doctor: “Is this her first child?’’ Husband: “I already told you, this is her husband!”
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Wife: “Amazing, I have saved $300 by buying this lovely bag for only $400 instead of $700 ! What a steal. What do you think?”
Husband: “Wow, what a great saving and a cool bag! Why don’t you buy 5 more and save $1500 and pay this month’s mortgage?”
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A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”
“Really?” he says. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”
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Diner: “These oysters are very small.”
Waiter: “I suppose, sir.”
Diner: “And they don’t look very fresh.”
Waiter: “Then I suppose it’s a good thing they’re so small, isn’t it, sir?”
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I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep. But he’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.
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My beautiful neighbor walked across the street knocked on my door and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to get drunk and have a good time tonight. Are you doing anything?”
I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”
“Great” she said. ”Can you watch my dog?”
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Why does Grandma spray Windex all over her Medicare co-pay invoices?
She wants a clean bill of health.”
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Which month do soldiers hate most?
March!
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What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
Seasoned troops!
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Which branch of the military do babies join?
The infantry!
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
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• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get excited.
• I thought growing old would take longer.
• It’s weird being the same age as old people.
• I’m at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do.
• Just once I want a username and password prompt to say Close Enough.
• Last night the internet stopped working, so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
• If Adam and Eve were Cajuns, they would have eaten the snake instead of the Apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
• We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages: Metamucil and Ensure.
• Some of my friends exercise every day; I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote control fell on the floor.
• Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly, next week, it’s turn signals.
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Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. Just before take-off, an Army soldier sat next to the two Marines.
The soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s shoe and spit in it.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” the soldier asked. “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”
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A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.
Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”
“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”
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