Have you been drinking fluids?

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
“Thanks, I’ll never part with it!”
Discussing the environment with his friend, John asked, “Which of our natural resources do you think will become exhausted first?”
“The taxpayer,” replied his friend.
Doctor: “Have you been drinking fluids?”
Patient: “Jeez, Doc, that’s literally all I drink.”
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slowest swimmer.
Dentist: Could you help me out? Could you give me a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn’t at all bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the four o’clock ball game.
If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer.
Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him.
His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked, “What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore.”
“I hired a professional worrier and I haven’t had a worry since,” replied Jack.
“That must be expensive,” Bob replied.
“He charges $5,000 a month,” Jack told him.
“$5,000!!! How in the world can you afford to pay him?” exclaimed Bob.
“I don’t know. That’s his problem,” replied Jack.
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
“Dad, who built the Suez Canal?”
“I don’t know, son.”
“Dad, who discovered penicillin?”
“I’ve no idea, son.”
“Dad, what’s the capital of Italy?”
“I ain’t got a clue, son.”
“Dad, you don’t mind me asking all these questions do you?”
“Of course not, son. If you don’t ask, you won’t learn anything.”
“Do you know why you’ve never see an elephant hiding up in a tree?”
“No, why?”
“Because they’re really good at it.”
Two old ladies meet for the first time since they left school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well-planned life?”
“Oh yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire, my second to an actor, the third to a preacher and I’m now married to an undertaker.”
Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?”
“One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!”
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
I started a new job as a security guard last night.
Before my boss left he told me I had to make sure I watched the office.
I am on season 2 already but I don’t know what it has to do with security.
Two men are asked by the golf pro at the range if they would mind playing a round with each other, to keep from backing up the queue, and they agreed.
They made small talk and we’re having a decent time, neither of them being great golfers and getting some good laughs out of each other.
On the 12th hole, which is next to the main road, a funeral procession turns into the road and the one golfer lays his club down, stands erect, puts his hat over his heart and bows his head until the last car in the procession passes.
“Wow. I’ve never seen anyone pay respects like that on the golf course,” to which the other man replies “We were married for 36 years. It was the least I could do.”
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.