I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The guy was your doctor.”
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Tom: Did you ever see a catfish?
Joe: Sure!
Tom: How did it hold the rod?
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My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week. I don’t know how much she charges.
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• The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.
• I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
• We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages… Metamucil and Ensure.
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Did you hear about the contortionist who passed away?
He died in his own arms.
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Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure thing.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, Sir!”
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• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks and I haven’t lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.
• Every time I say the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
• I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years just getting over the hill.
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Doctor: “I am afraid your illness is fatal.’’
Patient: “Is there anything I can do? Anything at all?”
Doctor: “Mud baths. Long mud baths, as long as you can stand. Every day.”
Patient: “Will this really help?”
Doctor: “No, but at least you’ll get used to being in the dirt!”
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• Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
• Some of my friends exercise every day; I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote control fell on the floor.
• Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly, next week, it’s turn signals.
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• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop anytime.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
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• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
• I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to those places.
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Two men are on opposite sides of the river.
The first man shouts, “How do I get to the other side of the river?”
The other man yells, “You are on the other side of the river!”
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How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.
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When I was young, a bully was trying to pick a fight with me.
He said, “My dad can whoop your dad!”
I replied, “So what, so can my mom!”
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• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.