I race cars

I am very fortunate to have somebody to call and check on me every day. He is from India and is concerned about my car warranty.
••••••••••
A man is asking a farmer about his two cows…
Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?
Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man: Ok. What do you feed them?
Farmer: Which one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: She eats grass.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: She eats grass, too.
Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same?
Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine.
Man: Oh, and the black one?
Farmer: It’s mine, too.
••••••••••
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
“You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!”
The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
••••••••••
I burn about 2,000 calories every time I put fitted sheets on my myself.
••••••••••
We put our dog on a vegan diet, and she’s doing really well. She’s eaten two so far.
••••••••••
My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health. To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him ‘Five Miles’. I can now tell him, “I walk five miles every morning!”
••••••••••
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: Not really, the cars are much faster.
••••••••••
Judge: “Haven’t I seen you before?”
Man: “Yes, your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.”
Judge (banging the gavel): “Twenty years!”
••••••••••
The judge reviews the divorce case very carefully and issues his judgement. “Mr Smith, I am going to give your wife $750 a month.”
Mr. Smith’s replies, “That’s very nice of you, judge. And every once in a while I will send her a little extra too.”
••••••••••
After feeding his goldfish numerous times because her son forogot, a mother says, “Now Johnny, ou have to be more responsible. Do you know how many times those fish would have died if we hadn’t been there?”
“Uhm, I don’t know,” Johnny replies. “Once?”
••••••••••
Dad: “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
Son: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”
••••••••••
I am going to start a transportation service hauling folks to the marijuana dispensaries. I call it the Canna-Bus!
••••••••••
Customer: “I would like to buy two undressed ducks, please.”
Butcher: “I’m very sorry. But I’m afraid we’re fresh out of ducks. I can sell you a couple of fresh chickens instead if you like.”
Customer: “Chickens? I can’t return home from a hunting trip and tell my wife I bagged a couple of chickens.’’
••••••••••
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
“This is the 21st century,” she said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.”
It was a good idea. That fly never knew what hit him!
••••••••••
A husband and wife entered a dentist’s office. The wife said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or novocaine because I am in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”
“You are a brave woman,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”
••••••••••
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years. “This is Beth,” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” my friend asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I answered.