Patient: Doctor, I have a tendency to gain weight in certain places. What would you recommend?
Doctor: Stay out of those places!
I went to see my doctor this morning. “Some one decided to graffiti my house last night!” I raged.
“So why are you telling me?” the doctor asked.
“I can’t understand the writing,” I replied. “Was it you?”
An enthusiastic mom’s boy was pitching a little league game and she cheered as he threw wild pitch after wild pitch.
The poor kid walked every batter. It was only the first inning and the score was 12–0. Then one batter finally hit the ball.
“Oh no,” the mom wailed. “There goes his no-hitter.”
Son: She started it!
Daughter: I did not!
Mother: Divide the pool in half and each of you stay in your half.
Son: That’s okay with me. I’ll take the top half!
Me: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Sounds like a really bad case of parking sons disease.
What do you call two birds stuck together?
Boss: I’m promoting you to manage our Montreal office!
Young man: But sir! There’s nothing up there but cheap bar girls and hockey players.
Boss: I’ll have you know that my mother lives in Montreal!
Young man: No kidding? What hockey team does she play on?
Genie: OK, I’m ready for your third wish.
Me: Third? What about the first two?
Genie: Well, this is a little unusual, but after your first wish, you screamed like a madman and said “I wish I’d never made that wish!” So that counted as your second wish, and I erased your memory of both of them.
Me: Well, OK. I wish I really understood how women think.
Genie: Granted. By the way, that was your first wish, too.
An egg and a chicken sit in a doctor’s waiting room.
A nurse walks out of the office and asks, “Alright, which one of you came first?”
“Seriously?” shouts the chicken.
My friend David had his ID stolen. Now he’s just Dav.
Mom: Son, why don’t you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.
Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs, and is an alcoholic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well, neither would he.
I met my wife on Tinder.
That was awkward.
I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me the thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, “Jack, I’ve got trouble down here!”
“What’s the matter?” Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
“Bring me my wedge,” Joe shouted. “You can’t get out of here with an eight iron!”
They say a man’s car is a reflection of himself. My car doesn’t want to start in the morning, and when it does start it sputters and back fires before it gets going.
Top 5 Signs Gasoline Is Too Expensive
1. A gas station is offering a free car with every fill up!
2. Any purchase over a gallon requires a credit check.
3. Price is now in gold bullion.
4. Texaco now offering monthly payment plans.
5. You’re excited to find gas at under $5 a half cup.
A man was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock. With help from a co-worker, he was finally able to open the door. The lock was still jammed, so he blocked the door open and called the maintenance department.
A bit later, he noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, “Get me out!”
“Don’t worry,” he replied, “maintenance should be sending somebody.”
“They did,” said the voice.