My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great

My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly bear on each bicep.
She is infringing on my right to bear arms!
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The pope is early for his flight. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn’t driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he’s a bit rusty, so he’s driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope, “Please wait here,” and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: “Chief we have a situation. I’ve pulled over an important figure.”
Chief: “How important? A governor or something?”
Cop: “No sir. He’s bigger.”
Chief: “So, what? a celebrity or something?”
Cop: “More important, sir.”
Chief: “Well, who is it?”
Cop: “Well actually I’m not sure. But the pope is his driver.”
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The doctor took Dan into the room and said, “Dan, I have some good news and some bad news.”
Dan said, “Give me the good news.”
“They’re going to name a disease after you.”
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A guy said to God, “God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?”
God said yes.
The guy said, “God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?”
God said yes.
The guy said, “God, can I have a penny?”
God said, “Sure, just a second.”
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A linguistics professor says during a lecture, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”
Then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
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A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
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A guy wants a talking parrot, so he goes to the pet store and buys one, only to find that it starts cussing almost non-stop. He tries everything to get the parot to stop, but nothing works.
Finally, exasperated, he opens the cage, grabs the parrot, marches into the kitchen, opens the freezer, throws the bird in and shuts the door!
Ten minutes later, he opens the door again, and the parrot immediately starts begging forgiveness.
“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry! I won’t do it again! I swear, I’ll never talk like that anymore. I just… I just gotta know one thing! Man…What did the chicken do?”
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A policeman was out on his beat one day when he came across a man taking a lion for a walk down a street.
“You can’t take a lion for a walk in the city”, the policeman told him. “You take that lion to the zoo.”
“Ok”, the man replied, and he began walking with the lion in the direction of the zoo.
The next day, the policeman was surprised and more than a little annoyed when he saw the man walking his lion down a different street in the city.
“I thought I told you to take that lion to the zoo,’’ the cop said.
“I did take him to the zoo”, the man replied, “Today I’m taking him to the movies!”
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A friend of mine told her husband they had a Catholic bird in their yard.
“A what? How do you know it’s a Catholic bird?”
“Because it’s a Cardinal.”
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“My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great,” said Christine.
“I don’t know how far back my family goes. All of our records were lost in the flood,” replied Miriam.
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A guy from Domino’s holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings rang my doorbell.
“I haven’t ordered any pizza,” I said. “This must be a mistake.”
“No, it’s not,” he replied. “Your neighbor forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner.”
••••••••••
A preacher, a boy scout, and a top-notch engineer are on a small plane traveling across the country.
The plane runs out of fuel and is plummeting towards the ground. There are three parachutes.