Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows
Wife: I need some new clothes. If people came over to visit, they would think I was the cook.
Husband: Not if they stayed for dinner.
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Me: How much are tickets?
Ticketmaster: They’re $55 each.
Me: Ok I’ll take two.
TM: Great that’ll be $847.83.
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Tom: My grandfather is 90 years old. He didn’t fight in two world wars for this silliness.
Dick: The First World War was more than 100 years ago. How did he fight in that?
Tom: He didn’t fight, as I just said.
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I just saw some idiot at the gym. He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill!
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An older man at the evening function bowed his head and wept quietly but copiously while while a young woman rendered the plaintive ballad, “My Old Kentucky Home.”
The hostess tiptoed up to him and inquired tenderly, “Pardon me, are you a Kentuckian?”
“Nay, madam,” he replied, “I’m a musician.”
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When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive.
It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.
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Superman once wrote on the wall: “Batman is a wimp!”
The next day Batman wrote: “Superman is Clark Kent.”
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A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”
The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”
“Um, no,” mumbled the director.
“Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?”
“I had no idea,” said the director.
“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”
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I took my cat’s meds by accident. Don’t ask meow.
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Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day. He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.
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I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, “I’ll bet a doughnut wouldn’t have done this to me.”
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• Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
• Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eyewitness. (Mark Twain)
• Sorry that I’m late. I got here as soon as I wanted to!
• It’s fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “Sir, you need to leave!”
• I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter, and then guess what’s on the list when I am at the store.
• I relabeled all of the jars in my wife’s spice rack. I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
• The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.
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Driver: “What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?” Officer, “Keep it. When you collect four, you get a bicycle.
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I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
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• I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart, when they’ve never even seen one of his paintings.
• So, my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 am. Luckily, I was already up playing the bagpipes.
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Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of “The Hoarders,” and think, “Wow! My house looks great.”
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Lady (to her doctor): “What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.”
Doctor: “How come?”
Lady: “According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.”
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I was talking with my mother-in-law about our daughter’s picky eating habits.
“She refuses to eat fish,” I told her. “Any recommendations for a replacement?”
She thought a moment, then answered, “Cats. They love fish.”
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My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less Mc Donald’s,” but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.