I skipped the gym today

The world is getting worse and worse. I was in church today and saw a lady light up a cigarette. I almost dropped my beer.
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My hobbies include eating and complaining that I am getting fat.
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I skipped the gym today and put on a fitted sheet instead.
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A drunk stumbles onto a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher. I sure am.”
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.
“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“No, I did not Reverend.”
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?”
The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
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Life is short. Make sure you spend as much time as possible on the interet arguing about politics.
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Woman: “I need to get an obit for my husband in the paper. What’s the cheapest one you got?”
Receptionist: “Well ma’am, you have to buy at least one line,” Woman: “Ok, I want it to say ‘Frank’s dead.’”
Receptionist: “Well ma’am, with one line you can have up to five words.”
Woman: “Wonderful! Then I want it to say ‘Frank’s dead. Truck for sale.’”
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A country boy’s father passed away in his sleep. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
“Where do you live?” asked the operator.
“At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”
“Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, “How ’bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?”
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Two fellows stopped in a pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument.
“Are there two pints in a quart or four?” asked one.
“There be two pints in a quart,” confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
“Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us.”
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, “You did say two pints, didn’t you?”
“That’s right,” he called back, “two pints!”
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“Did you tell her that what you said was in strict confidence?”
“No, I didn’t want her to think it was important enough to repeat.”
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I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”
I said, “Not at all.”
He said, “Kiss?”
I said, “Let’s listen to the music first, then see how we feel.”
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An Aussie man went to Texas, rented a car and went driving around the state. Unfortunately, he had a lead foot and was pulled over by a cop for speeding.
The police officer said: “You drive like a maniac! Did you come here to die?”
The Aussie replied: “Oi, mite – I kime here yester-die!”
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At a party, a wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”
“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”
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A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings and his bad manners.
Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
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• The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.
• To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.
• Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer selective.