What the ladies like on a date

Customer: “I would like a set of Champion spark plugs for my Yamaha XT175.’’
Proprietor: “No problem. That will be $15 please.”
Çustomer: “$15? They’re only $12 down the street. But they’re out of stock!”
Proprietor: “Really? Ours are only $9 when we’re out of stock.
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First Alien: “A life form on planet Earth developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”
Second Alien: “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
First Alien: “I don’t think so, they have aimed at themselves.”
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I used to think drinking was bad for me.
So I gave up thinking.
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Car Dealer: “This car had just one careful owner.”
Buyer: “But look at it, it’s a wreck!”
Car dealer: “Well yes, you see, the other seven owners weren’t quite as careful.”
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Harold comes home from work one day. “I’m home, honey!” he says to his wife Joan. “You can serve the salad.”
Joan tilts her head curiously. “How did you know we were having salad, dear?”
Harold replies, “I didn’t smell anything burning.”
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Just in case you thought we are smarter than previous generations: 50 years ago, a car’s owner’s manual explained how to change the valves; Today, the manuals warn you not to drink the contents of the battery.
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My wife texted me, “I love u.”
I replied, “That’s my favorite letter, too.”
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Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. Just before take-off, an Army soldier sat next to the two Marines.
The soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s shoe and spit in it.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” the soldier asked. “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”
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A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.
Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, “Why have you been avoiding? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”
“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, “Emo, don’t go near the cellar door!” One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like… trees. Grass. Flowers. The Sun…
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude.
I said, “I’d like a card.”
He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.”
So I stabbed him.
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You know what the ladies like on a date? Courtesy. Once I got into a world of trouble on a date when I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead I just swam for the surface.
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• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
• Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
• I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
• How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
• Just once I want a username and password prompt to say Close Enough.
• Last night the internet stopped working, so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
• If Adam and Eve were Cajuns, they would have eaten the snake instead of the Apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
• I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
• I thought growing old would take longer.
• It’s weird being the same age as old people.
• I’m at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do.

A man went to his lawyer and stated, “I would like to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.”

The lawyer said, “No problem, leave it all to me.”

The man looked somewhat upset as he said, “Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I’d like to leave a little to my children, too!”