Who was Hamlet?
My horse will only come out of its stable when it gets dark.
It’s becoming a night mare.
My ex’s cooking was cold and bland.
Clearly, she put her heart and soul into it.
The doctor says to his patient at the end of a checkup, “Okay, let’s do a stress tolerance test.”
“What’s that Doc?” asked the patient.
“Nurse, the bill please!”
What does an Ole Miss fan do when their team has won the BCS Championship?
Turn off the PlayStation 4.
What do football centers wear on their feet?
My girlfriend spilt up with me because I was obsessed with football. We had been dating for three seasons.
What do Billy Graham and the Auburn Tigers have in common? Both can make eighty thousand people stand up and scream “Jesus Christ.”
If you’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you leave the bathroom, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
Do you remember when air was free at the gas station. Now it cost $1.50. Do you know why? Inflation.
I decided to give my kids a lesson in how democracy works by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order last night.
I then picked the movie and pizza toppings because I’m the one with the money.
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket You could say you are Independant.
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. ”You’ve given me one too many,” I said.
“That one is a freebie,” he responded.
There’s a Labrador by my front door shouting ‘Buy!’ and ‘Sell!’ into a mobile phone.
I’m sick of dogs doing their business outside my house.
• There are 3 types of people in the world – those who can count
and those who can’t.
• I just got ketchup in my eye!!! Now I have heinzsight.
A rich old man gave three younger friends one million dollars, with the stipulation that upon his death they put the million in his coffin.
“You know, I’m gonna miss our friend. But I have to admit it was tough to put all that money in the coffin,” the first man said at the cemetary.
“Yeah, I know what you mean,’’ the second man said.
“I’m gonna miss him,’’ the third man said as he put a check for $1 million in the coffin.
Son: “Daddy, who was Hamlet?”
Dad: “Bring me the Bible you ignoramus and I will show you who he was.”
My ex’s cooking was cold and bland. Clearly, she put her heart and soul into it.
What do you call those who fully listen to both sides of an argument? Neighbors.
Saw a lad standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing?
He was just checking his balance.
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board of the church,” said the minister.
“That is why I am here,” said the man. “If there is anyone here today more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him or her.”
My boss made me go into the office on Labor Day. Halfway through the day, he came in to check up on me and caught me having a beer.
He said to me, “You can’t drink while you’re working.”
I said, “Oh, don’t worry – I’m not working.”
A cable TV repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. I told him it was between 9 a.m. and 1 p.m.
My wife crashed the family care again today. She told police that the man che collided with was on his cell phone and drinking a can of beer.
The police told her a man can do what he liked in his own living room.
My dental hygienist retired, after 55 years of working. All she got was a lousy plaque.